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I first heard ‘Nine’ by Sleeping At Last years ago, and it’s stayed with me ever since. It’s from the album, Atlas: Enneagram, which is full of songs intricately composed to capture the psychological profile and emotional core of the Enneagram personality system. When I heard it, I felt like the songwriter knew me intimately, and had written the song based off my life. Is there a song that speaks to you that deeply?
Songs are more than just memories, sometimes they’re keys. The moment you hear them, they can unlock a version of yourself you haven’t visited in years. When I heard the line below, a door opened into my past, giving me a view of myself I wasn’t quite ready to remember.
“I’ve been less than half myself / for more than half my life.”
I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life. But, not in the harmless, easygoing way that label usually describes. I’ve spent decades tailoring who I am to whoever is in front of me, trying to become whatever will earn love and approval. I’ve convinced myself this is kindness, and the best way to relate to others. I’ve patted myself on the back for being easy to get along with.
But, as I’ve gotten older and am finally being honest with myself, I’m realizing it’s been selfish manipulation more than anything. I’ve been so busy trying to be accepted by everyone that I rarely let anyone actually know me. And how could I…I didn’t even know myself.
As the song continues, there’s another line that names this problem even more precisely:
“It looks like empathy / to understand all sides / but I’m just trying to find myself / through someone else’s eyes.”
I’ve spent the past couple of years working on my passion project, Atlanta Storytellers. And in the process of interviewing storytellers, learning about their lives, and growing to call many of them my friends, I’ve learned something. My motivation for starting this project was curiosity and a desire to get to know people. However, after a couple of years of watching it grow and reflecting on what it’s become and how it’s changed me, I’ve realized that my subconscious motivation was probably to learn more about myself through the reflections of other people, because I didn’t know how to get to know myself any other way.
The past two years have been such a gift to me. I’m changing. My view of the world and those around me is growing. The things I love and value look different than they used to, and some days that’s uncomfortable. However, it’s also the most alive I’ve felt in a long time because I’m learning who I am.
“A little at a time / I feel more alive / I let the scale tip and feel all of it / it’s uncomfortable but right.”
Atlanta Storytellers didn’t cause that shift, but it’s become the place where I’ve practiced it, where I’ve learned to know myself and love others instead of merely performing for them. That’s hard work, but I’m realizing that’s the point. Meaningful work is never easy.
“We were born to try / to see each other through / to know and love ourselves and others well / is the most difficult and meaningful / work we’ll ever do.”
I’m not done waking up. I don’t think any of us are because as long as we’re alive, we’ve still got work to do.
So here’s my question for you: where might you still be sleepwalking?
And what would it look like to wake up, even just a little at a time?
I’d love to hear your reflections on this. And, if you’ve got something to share, please send it!
One last thing…we’d love for you to join us at Eddie’s Attic on July 22 for the anniversary celebration of our show, The Songs That Shape Us!
You can get tickets here.
— Josh